Home for Christmas
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Just a Christmas one-shot this year, featuring Dr. Leland and her crazy Arkham family! Happy holidays, everyone! :-)


**Home for Christmas**

Was there anything more depressing than being alone on Christmas, and pulling the overnight shift in a mental asylum for the most dangerous criminals in the world?

Dr. Joan Leland certainly didn't think so. But what made it even more depressing, she thought with a sigh as she glanced over some paperwork in front of her, was that she had volunteered for this. She knew everyone else who worked here had places to be on Christmas, and loved ones to see, but Dr. Leland didn't have any of that in her life. Her career as head doctor of Arkham Asylum kept her constantly busy, and with little time to form relationships of her own. And she wasn't on good terms with her family – her parents disapproved of her devotion to these violent criminals, and treated her as the black sheep of the family for her keen interest in helping them. Spending time with deranged lunatics was actually more enjoyable than the awkward and uncomfortable interrogations and lectures she was subjected to if she went home.

And so here she was, alone on Christmas Eve, with only her work to keep her company. Not that she usually minded that, but something about the realization that she was alone on Christmas had sent her thoughts in a depressing direction. It was meant to be the season of love and joy, after all, a season to share with those closest to you. And it was depressing to think that in her case, that was no one at all, besides a bunch of insane criminals.

An alarm in the cell block suddenly distracted her from her thoughts. "Dammit," she muttered, standing up and heading for the door. "It's Christmas, Joker, for God's sake. Couldn't you just behave for one night?"

She entered the cell block to find it mostly deserted – many of the inmates chose to hang out in the Rec Room over Christmas. There was a TV in there, and a Christmas tree which had been trimmed so that it could be in no way used as a weapon. In fact, there was only one inmate in the dark cell block, and he was moving from cell to cell, rummaging through them.

"Joker, what are you doing?" demanded Dr. Leland, flicking on the lights.

"Can't talk, Doc – I'm busy," snapped Joker, not even turning around as he dug through Poison Ivy's cell.

"You should either be in your own cell, or the Rec Room," said Dr. Leland. "Those are the only authorized spaces for the inmates…"

"Yeah, and you know me – I ain't the kinda guy to disregard authority," said Joker, sarcastically.

"What are you doing?" asked Dr. Leland, as Joker attempted to seize on to some flowers and pull them out of a plant pot, but was forced to let go as the flowers suddenly grew thorns and stabbed him.

"For your information, I forgot to get Harley a Christmas present this year," growled Joker, popping his bleeding fingers into his mouth. "And she's gonna be really, really mad at me for forgetting, and Harley in a bad mood is not something I want to deal with if I don't have to. So I'm seeing if the other freaks have anything worth stealing that could be used as a present for her. Apparently not flowers!" he snapped, glaring at the plant.

Dr. Leland shook her head. "You don't know how lucky you are, do you?" she asked. "To have someone in your life who cares so much about you, who's absolutely devoted to you. And then you can't even remember to get her something at Christmas."

"Yeah, gee, Doc, it's almost as if I don't care or something," said Joker. "Y'know, it's that kinda insight that makes you a top shrink."

"You do care about her, or you wouldn't be going through all this trouble," said Dr. Leland.

"I never said I didn't care about her, although I don't, but what I definitely don't care about is this ridiculous, gift-giving nonsense," said Joker. "I mean, I love Christmas, Doc, I really do. And I love getting presents from people. But gift-giving? That's a total scam, and a complete waste of time. The expectation is on me to know what she wants for Christmas – I ain't a mind-reader! And you can't just ask her what she wants, because it's meant to be a surprise, but then how the heck are you supposed to know?"

"You're meant to take an interest in the person you're giving the gift to," said Dr. Leland. "And then get them something that shows you've taken an interest, and know them. Something that shows you've been paying attention – maybe something they've talked about wanting, or something you know they'll like based on their interests."

"Oh God, I'm doomed," muttered Joker. "I never listen to Harley when she talks – she just talks so much crap all the time. And as for her interests, I'm not sure she has any, except me, of course…"

He trailed off. "C'mon, help me out here, Doc," he said, turning to Dr. Leland. "She's a patient of yours – you must listen to her. What are her interests?"

"Joker, I'm not going to tell you your own girlfriend's interests," retorted Dr. Leland. "Besides the fact that it would be breaking doctor-patient confidentiality, I also think that if you don't know them by now, you deserve to have her mad at you."

"That's what Pammie said – you women are all alike," muttered Joker. "Banding together to punish the man just because he's a man. It's that kinda sexist crap that's holding equality back, Doc."

"Sure it is," said Dr. Leland, sarcastically. "Anyway, if you don't have a gift for her, I guess you can always find her gift for you and destroy it so you're even."

Joker brightened. "That's a great idea, Doc!" he exclaimed. "I do love destroying stuff!"

"Joker, I was just kidding. Joker, it wasn't a serious suggestion. Joker…" began Dr. Leland, as he headed toward the Rec Room.

Dr. Leland followed him inside, to see Poison Ivy kneeling down next to the Christmas tree, desperately trying to unscrew it from the base. "It's ok, baby – I'll save you," she hissed, as she attempted to pull it free.

"It's already dead, you know," commented Jonathan Crane, who was standing on a ladder and hanging baubles he had decorated as skulls onto the tree. "Its death sentence was given the moment it was cut down."

"I know that, genius!" snapped Ivy. "But you'll forgive me if I want to make its last moments comfortable, not stabbed with screws and put on display for people to hang gaudy objects from its corpse!"

"I've never been one for Christmas myself, but that idea does make it more appealing," said Crane, nodding.

"You're creepy, you know that?" asked Ivy.

"I'm not the one talking to a tree corpse," retorted Crane.

"Dr. Leland, Ivy's trying to steal the tree," said Two-Face, as Dr. Leland entered.

"Shut up, Harvey!" snapped Ivy.

"It's nothing personal, Pammie – I asked the coin if I should tell on you, and it said yes," said Two-Face, holding his coin up.

"Pamela, for the last time, the tree is staying right where it is," said Dr. Leland. "I know you don't approve, but frankly a little emotional distance from plants is not a bad thing for you to practice. And a Christmas tree is a perfectly normal thing that perfectly normal people have in their homes."

"If you're asking me to just accept the dying corpses of my children as normal, then you don't know me very well," snapped Ivy.

"Hey, you know who you do know well, Pammie?" asked Joker. "Harley. Do you have any idea what her interests might be, gift-wise, that I could get locked up in here and in the next few minutes?"

"I told you, I'm not helping you," snapped Ivy.

"But it's Christmas!" protested Joker.

"Yeah, which is why you should have got Harley a present, and now you're screwed," said Ivy, nodding.

"Where is Harley?" asked Dr. Leland, looking around.

"She's off wrapping J's present," said Ivy. "Some of us did that ages ago."

"Aw, and what did you get me?" asked Joker.

"I didn't get you anything," retorted Ivy. "The only thing I'd ever get you is a slow and lingering death. But all my other gifts are wrapped and ready. Except I'm burning Harvey's now that he decided to tattle on me," she added.

"Well, the coin told me not to get you a present at all, so I didn't," retorted Two-Face.

"I got everyone books," spoke up Jervis Tetch.

"Is it the same book for all of us?" asked Joker.

"It might be," agreed Tetch, nodding.

"Is it _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_?" asked Crane.

Tetch was silent. "Well, it's very good, and no one's read it," he snapped at last.

"See, it's easy for nerds," sighed Joker. "Everyone expects them to give nerd presents, and they do. But for some of us, it's a little bit more difficult, because we're expected to give gifts that are interesting and entertaining and amusing and thoughtful and funny and smart and attractive and well-dressed, just like we are."

"Frankly, I think giving her nothing pretty much sums up what you are," retorted Crane.

"Oooh, nice zing, make sure you don't fall off that ladder," retorted Joker, grabbing it out from under him suddenly.

"Joker, please, the medic has gone home for Christmas, and medical school was a long time ago for me!" snapped Dr. Leland, helping Crane off the floor. "I do not want to deal with broken bones tonight!"

"Keep it to minor cuts and bruises or make it fatal, you got it, Doc," said Joker, saluting.

"That's not what I meant…" began Dr. Leland.

Harley Quinn skipped into the room suddenly, carrying a small box and beaming when she saw Joker. "Puddin'!" she exclaimed, racing over to him. "I got you such a swell gift for Christmas! Open it! Open it!" she exclaimed, pressing the box into his hands.

"Aw, gee, I'd love to, Harl, but…I can't," said Joker, slowly. "Because it's not officially Christmas until midnight, so…"

"Aw, that's a stupid rule," said Harley, waving her hand. "Anyway, it's close enough to midnight. Go ahead," she pressed.

"Nope, I've heard it's bad luck, and I'm not risking that," said Joker, putting the gift down. "Can't afford bad luck in my kinda work. I won't even think about opening it before midnight, just like you won't even think of opening yours."

"Where is mine?" asked Harley, looking around.

"It's…uh…a surprise," said Joker, slowly. "Which you can't see until midnight. Now why don't you just sit down on the sofa and watch some TV?" he asked, steering her toward the couch. "Just kinda keep your back turned to the room, that's a good girl…"

He attempted to throw the box out of the window, but was intercepted by Ivy, who wrestled the box from his hands and handed it back to Harley, who was focused on the TV. It was playing the animated _How the Grinch Stole Christmas_ special.

"Reminds me of Batman," commented Tetch, as Boris Karloff sang, " _You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch_ …"

"Yeah, what do you suppose he's doing tonight?" asked Two-Face.

"Out stopping alleged crime as usual, I imagine," muttered Crane, who had carefully climbed the ladder again, wincing. "Otherwise known as attacking innocents with no provocation."

"You don't think he's at home with his family?" asked Dr. Leland.

"You think a freak like that has a family?" demanded Joker. "C'mon, Doc, he's basically one of us, and we don't have families. Families are for sane, boring, normal people – the upside to lunacy is that you're free from all that crap."

"Free from having supportive people who love you, you mean?" asked Dr. Leland.

Joker burst out laughing. "Supportive people who love you, that's a good one, Doc!" he chuckled. "Seriously, how many families do you know that can be described like that? If sitcoms and comedy films are to be believed, and of course they are, families are more trouble than they're worth. And Christmas with the family is traditionally a horrible time, when you're forced to associate with people, who you have nothing in common with, constantly judging you and your life. The holidays are a time of dread for people who have families, a time when you have to make sure you have a lotta alcohol around just to cope. Oh, sure, there's the fantasy Christmas of love and cheer and goodwill, but a fantasy is all that is. More often than not, Christmas is families fighting and falling out over stupid things. That's just the reality of the situation."

"I'm not sure you're really the best person to judge reality, Joker," said Dr. Leland. "And I still think a family is a good thing to have."

"Yeah? Then why ain't you with yours?" asked Joker. "You're not a freak like us, so you have a family, right?"

Dr. Leland was silent. "Yes, but…we don't always see eye to eye on…certain issues," she said, slowly.

Joker shook his head. "Y'see?" he asked, grinning. "Better to be without 'em. Anyway, we got our own happy little family right here," he said, gesturing around the Rec Room. "We got the creepy uncle, and the other creepy uncle," he said, pointing at Crane and Tetch. "We got the single, bitter, spinster aunt," he said, pointing at Ivy.

"Spinster is a sexist term that implies a woman is only worth something if she's attached to a man," snapped Ivy.

"Spinster aunt proving my point there," said Joker, nodding. "Then we got the uncle with the weird mood swings," he said, pointing at Two-Face. "And then we got the happy couple, the loving, perfect idealization of romance whom everyone is jealous of," he cooed, kissing the top of Harley's head.

"Are you actually insane?" demanded Ivy. "Nobody idealizes you! And God help them if they do!"

"And what am I?" asked Dr. Leland.

"Oh, you're the only responsible adult here," said Joker, nodding. "The mother, I guess. Some kinda matriarch anyway – the glue that binds the whole happy family together."

"How's that?" asked Dr. Leland.

"Well, the only reason we all know each other is because we all live here a lotta the time," said Joker, shrugging. "So if Arkham is our home, and you're in charge of our home, you're the one that keeps the home together. And home is where the heart and family is. Therefore, you're the heart of this family. And looking around, this bunch of freaks and weirdos further reinforces my belief that families are terrible," added Joker. "We should break out tomorrow and get as far away as possible from these losers, Harley."

"You're not breaking out," snapped Dr. Leland. "I am not having that headache for Christmas. If I have to put you all in straightjackets, I will."

The clock in the old mansion chimed midnight suddenly. "Well, Merry Christmas, everyone," sighed Dr. Leland. "If you'll excuse me, I have some more paperwork to do."

"Aw no, Joan, come take a break," said Harley, beckoning her over to the sofa. "I got ya a present and everything."

"Oh, that's…sweet, Harley," stammered Dr. Leland, as Harley handed her a small parcel. She unwrapped it to reveal a piece of paper. "What's this?" she asked, puzzled.

"It's a contract," said Harley. "Signed by all of us, except Mr. J, because he said it was stupid. But it's to say that we won't break out on Christmas Day."

"Oh…great…I have the written promise of…lunatics," said Dr. Leland, reading it slowly. But she was nevertheless impressed by the gesture, and smiled. "Thank you, everyone except Joker."

"It's legally binding," said Two-Face, nodding at it. "I checked it over myself. If we break it, you can sue us."

"I'm sure that won't be necessary," said Dr. Leland. "Anyway, I don't think most of you have any money…"

"Now you open my present, puddin'," said Harley, turning to smile at Joker.

He sighed, and carefully unwrapped the box. "Are you sure you didn't mix up my present with Pammie's?" he asked, frowning as he withdrew the gift. "Because it appears to be some kinda plant…"

He was cut off as Harley seized the plant, held it over his head, and then kissed him passionately. "It's mistletoe, puddin'," she purred. "Merry Christmas."

"Gee, that's…great, Harl," stammered Joker. "Just what I wanted…you to be…holding this over me and pawing me constantly…"

"What did you get me?" asked Harley, eagerly.

"I got you…uh…I got you…" stammered Joker, looking around desperately. Then an idea struck him, and he smiled. "I got you me not objecting to this mistletoe crap until Christmas is over."

Harley beamed. "Deal," she said, kissing him again.

"See? Do I know what my Harley wants for Christmas or what?" chuckled Joker. "And all she ever wants for Christmas is me."

"I really am gonna go, and not just because watching this is making me sick," said Dr. Leland. "You all enjoy celebrating, but don't party too hard, of course. And Merry Christmas."

" _Thus, forgetting tricks and play, for a moment, Lady dear, we would wish you, if we may, Merry Christmas, glad New Year!_ " said Tetch.

Dr. Leland stared at him. "Uh…sorry?"

"It's a Christmas poem by Lewis Carroll," explained Tetch. "I thought it was appropriate, seeing as we signed that contract which stipulated a temporary cessation of tricks and play," he said, nodding at it. "And I'm sure I speak for all of us."

"He doesn't speak for me with poetry," growled Two-Face.

"Me neither, Harv," agreed Joker, but he was cut off with another kiss from Harley.

Dr. Leland sighed, heading back to her office. She put down the contract, and then went to go get a cup of coffee. As she poured it, she thought about what Joker had said about families. And she had to admit, in her experience, he was pretty much right. And if she had to have a family, she much preferred her crazy Arkham one to any normal one out there.

She returned to her office, sipping her coffee, and read the contract again. She suddenly noticed that a new signature had been added, with a note:

 _Merry Christmas, Doc – glad to be home for the holidays! But I'll be out by New Years – there's only so much of this crazy family I can stand._

 _Love,_

 _J._

Dr. Leland smiled to herself. "I'm glad to be home for Christmas too," she murmured.

 **The End**


End file.
